Release

It's funny when you think about release. You think about letting go, being free and some sort of undoing but what I've been experiencing has felt like the complete opposite of those. Release for me has not been quite the relief I'd hope for it to be. It has felt like a tug, my two minds pulling against each other. 

I'm learning truths about myself and I know they say it sets you free... but that doesn't mean you don't hurt in between. Right now, I'm in the in between and I'm not even going to sugarcoat it... it's fucking brutal. I feel like I'm being dragged through a past I don't want to revisit and it all feels like a giant sludge of shit.

But I'm releasing... gently releasing

the unhelpful beliefs, unravelling patterns that have never served me, the search for validation in all the wrong places, the growing up too soon, the unmet needs, the giving away parts of me to disconnected souls, the memories that I hold on way too dearly to, the ones that are lodged so heavy in my mind they paralyse me from moving forward. 

And I know I can't un-say what I said, I can't undo, un-kiss, un-love, un-see, un-hurt. I can't un-anything but in my gentle release, I can only hope it gives the ones I'm tied to, some form of release too. We are no longer pulling and pushing, no longer bound to hurting each other. 

I know I'll still feel your gentle tugging from time to time. I know you'll still be on my mind but I know better than to cut off the rope. You're still etched in the threads that have formed the fabric of who I am right now.

I'm just ironing out the creases.