When you meet your partner's ex...
Disclaimer: this post will contain plenty of April Ludgate GIFS because...I can and she's my hero.
You think you'd be prepared.
You'd think after three months of jealousy, desensitising yourself, followed by one month of letting go, another month of loving kindness meditation, talking about it to your therapist, and laughing at the absurdity of your thoughts, you'd be okay.
And you were wrong.
Somewhere along the night, she comes by and you say it's nice to meet her but the child in you knows the truth. It knows fear, abandonment and how it feels to be threatened even when you're in a safe situation. It knows the feeling of never being good enough, it knows tears, running away, and everything else but how to be okay.
So you pretend while she's there, in the same room. You have a drink and you dance the night away, all while making sure she's in your field of vision because you're fucking insecure.
And no, the truth is, it's not her.
It's you. (Take a moment, breathe it in, accept that we're all insane in our own special way or develop an emotional crisis from this - your choice)
It's not your partner, it's not the conversation they're having as a group of friends, it's not the moment, the situation or the lies you're telling yourself.
When you meet your partner's ex, it will be one of the most mentally-painful things you'll survive. At least if you're a highly-sensitive, anxiety-ridden, empath introvert, also known as, feeling-everything-too-much person.
And that's okay.
Writing this now, one week after the event, I'm still uncertain about how I feel. I can still hear the mental conversations the wolves in my head are having. I still sometimes feed the wrong wolf.
And that's okay. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Because there's really only so much you can do and plenty more we haven't learned about ourselves.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation (god help you), maybe these will serve as a guide:
1. Feel all the 'wrong' emotions. Get it out of the system.
2. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Thought Record
3. Talk to your therapist
4. Talk to your brutally honest but also exceptionally kind friends.
5. Cry if it scares you.
6. Laugh at the way your mind just goes on its own path. You are normal. Nice to meet you.
7. Show up and see how you feel.
8. Don't dismiss your partner. Please. Just go up for a cuddle and it'll all be a little better.
9. Look hot as hell.
10. Repeat: "Everything I feel is okay and I am safe."
11. "Be kind and be gentle with yourself." - all my amazing girlfriends
And if ever in the moment, you feel like going up to the person, hugging it out and saying a big "thank you" (yes, for some odd reason, I felt that way), DO IT. I didn't and I completely regret it.
Everyone tells me it takes a lot to be that grander, gracious and graceful person in tough situations but I really wish I was. It's the only ever good path.
So, dear ex-partner of my current partner, I guess you've taught me plenty. So, thank you.