Everything this year has taught me

I can't complain. This year has been... a lot of things. It's been a space for new beginnings, for growth, for waiting, for plans that fell through and for letting go. Those are really just a few generic words to sum up 365 days of magic and madness.

One of the cats has just woken up from his slumber and extended an invitation for me to join him on the floor for some gentle pats and chin scratches. I'm beginning to find the peace in simple pleasures - taking that five minutes to just 'be' without worry. I'm beginning to let go of 'the way things were done'. Notice the non-list for lessons this time around?

I've been stuck in plenty of different ways - from the old-fashioned thinking of what a 'partner' should be to unlearning the truths I grew up with. I'm allowing myself to let others take care of me. The ironic thing is, it isn't easy. 

It's difficult to let go of a sense of control, but that's what it really is - a 'sense' of control. There's nothing more to it. Things are always going to take more time than what we've pictured in our heads. Our thoughts are not the truth.  I recently sat in a class called 'The Art of Imperfection', ran by The School of Life here in Sydney. I learned that I just have to deal with the fact that I may never live up to the standards of others, or even those I've set for myself. I just have to be okay with the fact that sometimes I may show up and disappoint us both. 

I've learned that saying how you feel is okay, though not often well-received. I've learned that you aren't responsible for how others feel and that you can't control reactions. You can however control your response. I've learned to breathe a little bit more before responding and that sometimes, biting your tongue is a sensible move. I've also learned that authenticity can be scary - not only for the one displaying it but for the one who isn't used to dealing with their very own. 

I've learned that people will say things and it is up to us to decide if their truths are true for us. That sometimes we're all just in a different place and maybe where you are is not for them. That moving forward isn't the same as leaving others behind. That we're born to shine and more often than not, even the people we love, will try to dim us. I've learned that you need to go after what you want. That action and choice are the only tools that will change your life.   

I understand now, more than ever, letters matter. Being there matters. Holding each other and saying nothing, matters. Telling my parents I love them without shyness or awkwardness. Completely meaning the love I give. I acknowledge the power of the breath, of meditation, of walking away from what no longer serves you - whether people, places, or journals filled with your own thoughts. 

I know now to apologise as soon as you are ready. I know now to hug it out. I take pleasure in social events that I go to alone, knowing that I'll meet some stranger who understands, even a little, of how I feel. I know now to ask for what you want, especially if you need a little help. 

A couple of days ago, I turned 26. I'd usually be sitting down now, trying to figure out what the epiphany of this 'new age' is going to be about - what new anxiety can I cause my brain.. what new set of perfectionism will I never attain. Hmm...  

This year, I'm forgetting that shit. The reality is most of my days are a lot like yours. I've got to get up, jump in the shower, get on the train, be in the office and function like the rest of the world. The reality is that's okay.

I'm 26 for fucks sake, and I'm learning I don't have to have it all figured out.