Recent Reads - Essays in Love by Alain de Botton
After reading Essays in Love and highlighting almost the entire book, I had this conversation -
Me: I feel like I have so much to learn!
M: We're all beginners in love.
Me: Everyone except Alain de Botton.
It's true. The man is a genius. The book was a gift but the gift turned out to be more than just a book. In it contained some of the best lines I've read and thoughts that found me at the right time. From sulking to secrets, I've learned more about myself and others in one book than I have in all my past relationships. Not that I was a master at them anyway. In love, we are all beginners. What a lovely excuse.
(spoiler alert but these are some of my favourite bits)
"To love at all is to be vulnerable." C.S. Lewis, why do you have to be so right?
and on our language in love:
Can we all get an "awww..."
The paragraphs in the two images above have got to be the most teaching bits for me.
Knowing someone is going beyond their favourite movie or colour. It's a deeper look into bits and pieces of what made them who they are, if we're lucky enough to be shown those bits at all. It's such a vulnerable place to take someone to and say, "hey, look, here are my the parts of me I love most, and here are my crazy messy bits I hate to show" and to trust that person to not laugh or belittle those bits of you that seem absurd. Like maybe you can't stand noisy restaurants because they remind you of a time your dad yelled at you in one ("but that was so long ago" - is NOT the right response) or that you love being patted on the head because your grandma used to show affection that way and you still miss her. It's silly but... what is love if it isn't that and what is love if it doesn't accept that.
What's scary to me is our lack of knowledge in the way people are conditioned. We can never be perfect lovers, that's for sure. Let's all give up on that idea. But we can be better lovers, people, friends, daughters and partners if we simply understood people better. If we developed a deeper understanding and empathy into why people could be the way they are, if we waited around long enough to hear their stories and if we are able enough to piece two and two together, maybe then things would work out.
We could move from assuming to understanding.
The trouble with that is, first having to understand behaviour, and how many of us truly know what lies behind every move, even our own. So step one, I guess, is to take up a course in behavioural psychology, exchange the life you had for one where you'll be glued to your books, realise you'll never fully understand humans anyway, flip a table and give up. YAY!
Or, just be honest instead.
With yourself and with others. It's only occurred to me now how important that is - not just the thought of it, but the practice. Sure, it'll sometimes get you in trouble (especially when the truth is unpleasant), but I'm finding it's not that difficult to admit you're scared, you're flawed, you're messed up - especially to people you love and trust.
If faith is having complete trust and confidence despite having no evidence, then it goes beyond the physical meaning of "love is blind."
Love isn't just blind.
Love is blindly believing, and fuck, that's scary.