reminders in a shit storm
So, life's been great, except on some days when my mind decides to work against me. When anxiety and fear wins, and the sinking feeling of never being good enough keeps me in bed and won't even let me rest. Asshole.
A lot of people tell me it'll be okay. To not worry so much. The usual meaningless crap. I usually tune out when I hear, "Don't worry so much."
Maybe I should respond with, "Don't breathe so much." Because, you know, die.
I resent that response. Anxiety is in me and I'm trying to fix it so I can stop hearing you tell me not to worry so much. Here I am learning how to be an average, normal, somewhat functioning person like you and there you are, knowing nothing about what it's like to have a mind running at its own pace, having to constantly spend your energy reeling it back so society doesn't deem you crazy. And all you can offer is, "don't worry so much."
Sorry, can't do. Please try again with something meaningful. Hell, screenshot some quotes by someone wiser and send it across because I don't need your "don't worry so much." I need something more.
Which is why I've been saving lines that help me get by, screenshots on my phone that are taking up too much space, leaving no room for pictures of my lunch or cats.
So, here they are. Reminders in a shit storm that'll hopefully mean more than "don't worry so much" for you too:
image break for tired eyes. you're welcome.
"But life transitions, even when good, are always difficult, and they are always slow and gradual. There have been times where I have felt lost, like I was no longer the same person I once was, but also unsure of the person I was becoming. There have been times where I felt conflicted and confused, where I mourned for a past self that I knew I would never see again while anxiously awaiting a future self who seemingly would never come. Old habits, both good and bad, have fallen by the wayside while I’ve picked up both good and bad habits to fill their space.
And this is life. This is part of the bargain. The universe says, “Hey, guess what? You get to exist!” And we say, “Holy shit! That’s great!” not realizing that existence is, by definition, a merciless and unending foray into the unknown.
It would be easy for me to say, “I want the answer NOW! I want to know what my life will be like NOW! I want to know what I should do, how I should feel NOW!” But I’ve lived long enough and fucked up enough to know that that doesn’t help things. If anything, it just makes it worse.
In the meantime, I keep trying new things and accepting however I feel about them, both good or bad, all while trusting that one day I will arrive in new sunny waters that I will love just as I loved the ones before.
A good life is not a life without problems. A good life is a life with good problems. And so, despite the turbulence of the rocky waves and twisting tides, I can sometimes stare into the heart of my confusion and the crossed strains of joy and sadness, and smile and be grateful that it’s all there." - Mark Manson
"Closing cycles. Shutting doors. Ending chapters - whatever name we give it. What matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished." - Paulo Coelho
"Feelings are visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji
"In this terrifying middle ground between what I know and what I don’t know, I unclench my fists and surrender. I find myself stretched tight between power and powerlessness, between what is and what will be. Like a guitar string that can only sing when it’s put under tension — that’s where the best of all of us is born. Our journey of life is a narrow river that runs between the mountains of chaos and control, predestination and freewill. I force myself to let go of the reeds on the side of the river and flow in the space between the dream and the action, between what I control and what I don’t. This is where life happens — where relationships rise and fall, where empires succeed or meet their demise. These are the deep waters: the glorious terrible space between the mirage and the facts, between waking and the dream. This is where we live, and where our song is born. Somewhere between chaos and the control — these are the wonderlands." - Jon Foreman
"It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them." - Aldous Huxley
"Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know." - Pema Chöndrön
So, there, for moments when you need to read and weep.
I guess it's also healthy to remind ourselves of all the non-shitty things that exist. Like people who say all the right things, or know when to say nothing at all, those who give the tightest hugs, the knowing nods. Sunshine on your face, soft cat bellies, chocolate, wine and horse rides. Because this shit storm isn't permanent and also, you know what they say - Good things grow from crap.
Because, you know, poo fertilisers? #organic
Okay, so no one says that, but you get the picture. So, don't worry so much?